I promised myself I wouldn’t apologize for being “behind” in posting. So let’s start with this: there’s a lot to catch up on. This post is a whole lot of free association, but that’s basically how any conversation with me goes, so buckle up!
I’ve been out here living and pushing through. I started to write “surviving” and some days it feels like that. I want to do more than just survive this time period. But honestly, I’m not even sure what that really looks like some days.
I’m getting close to the end of chemo. Only three treatments left - just 16 more days. I am so ready to be done. I’m tired and I’m Tired. Much more than that, I’m so ready for Sean to be able to come home. It’s been 103 days since we’ve been living apart. (Yeah, I looked it up.)
We’re finally getting close enough to be able to picture an end to this phase, to plan for life beyond chemo. There was a time it felt as if it would last forever. I remember where I was when I figured out that I had exactly 100 days left in treatment and it sent me into a downward spiral because it was then that I realized that Sean probably wouldn’t be able to come home until I was done. There are just so many things I will never again take for granted.
I had an MRI last week. It was the first scan I’ve had since starting chemo and the results were the first official look at how well (or not) the chemo has been working. Add to my list of skills gained during quarantine: changing my nose piercing on my own. You’ll just have to trust me - it’s a lot harder than it looks and I feel like a badass for being able to do it. Also, shout out to my piercing guy/life coach in Kauai (where I first had it done) for FaceTiming with me and sending me the tools I needed.
The MRI results came in the next day, which showed a “near complete resolution” of the tumor in the breast and significant reduction in the lymph nodes as well. Awesome news, for sure. The chemo is working really well. But my biggest question was still unanswered, do they have to take all of my lymph nodes out, which can lead to long-term complications, or has the chemo reduced the cancer enough that we can we safely remove just one or a couple of lymph nodes? This is a big quality of life issue for me long-term. So I emailed my surgeon.
By the way, this is one huge change I’ve noticed. I didn’t hesitate to message her, where in the past I might have felt like I had to wait until my next appointment to ask these questions. I would have spent the next few weeks until then wondering and worrying but for some reason, not feeling like I should/could take control. I would have been afraid to speak up. I can’t emphasize this enough - when it’s your health and your treatment plan, you are in control. Whether they realize it or not, my care team has taught me this.
In the beginning, deciding whether to do chemo before or after surgery was ultimately my call. My oncologist recommended the same chemo regimen that could be completed either before or after surgery. The decision was up to me. This idea terrified me at the time. I didn’t want to have the weight of that decision on my shoulders. Everything was so new and the learning curve was so steep. I just wanted someone who knew what they were talking about bout to tell me what I was supposed to do.
So anyway, my surgeon called me the next day (I knew she would and I love her for that) and confirmed that I am a candidate for a sentinel node biopsy. It’s freaking amazing. Before we started chemo, she and my oncologist put the chances of this outcome at around 15 percent. It’s a huge relief and confirmation that doing chemo before surgery was the right call. Had we known that a global pandemic would happen during chemo, we might have made a different call then. It’s also nice for it to be a good thing to be on the side of long odds.
I have my surgery on the calendar now too (August 4) and it feels really good to have the date secured. It’s reassuring and feels like progress. The surgery will be a double mastectomy regardless, but as I said, now with less involvement for the lymph nodes. Yay again.
My hair is starting to grow back and I think my eyebrows and eyelashes are too. It’s hard to tell because it’s white-white. Apparently this is common when hair starts to grow back post-chemo and it will change to my regular (or maybe new?) color after a while.
I’ve also made a reservation for my very own post-chemo-I-made-it-through-this-unbelievable-circumstance celebration. I’m spending a couple of days (a day and a half, really) completely by myself. I’ve reserved a hotel room on the waterfront near where we live. I might go hiking, I don’t know. If you had told me a few months ago that time completely alone would be how I wanted to celebrate anything, I never would have believed it. Let’s be honest: there’s a lot about the past few months I never would have believed.
I am so looking forward to it.
Onward.
