Hey, friends.
It’s been almost four whole years since I posted here. It’s my Cancerversary today. That means it’s been five years since I was diagnosed with cancer. Five whole years since I heard the words that no one wants to hear: “You have cancer” and my whole world came to a screeching halt.
I was terrified. Thank God I had no idea what was really coming - I’m not sure if I would have known how to go on.
Over the course of that year and since, I had so many people tell me how courageous I was. How they couldn’t have done what I did. And while I really appreciate the thought, it never felt quite right. There wasn’t a choice. Not really. The girls needed me. And for a lot of my treatment, that was what kept me going. I wanted them to get through this without it defining their childhood.
So I just kept going. There were a lot of days that felt far from courageous. But that’s just it, isn’t it? Sometimes the best we can do is to just keep going, even if we’re unsure of the direction.
Eventually, I figured out that I needed me too. I’m still figuring out how to show up for myself consistently. (In fact, it’s my theme for the year.)
Today I’m feeling meloncholy. And reflective. And yes, incredibly grateful.
I’m thinking a lot about these catalyst events that change us. I’m not the same person I was. How could I be? I’ve had to figure out how to put myself back together in a completely new way. I’m proud of this newer version of me. She’s capable of much more than I ever imagined.
But let’s be clear: I never asked for it. I absolutely DID NOT WANT it. And yet, life forces these changes on us sometimes. This one was mine.
I don’t have any of the big answers to life.
Some days, the best we can do is just survive. There are other days we can celebrate. I’m learning to embrace it all. More than anything, I’m embracing the hell out of the here-and-now, giving myself space for it all.
You know what I love the most? The mundane things. Driving the girls to school. Baking myself a cake today. Going on hikes with Sean. It’s truly what this life is all about.
My wish for you is that, when you inevitably have your catalyst moment(s) in life, that you remember first and foremost, that you can get through. You will get through so much more than you think you can. Give yourself space and grace to feel it all. Don’t allow yourself to get stuck. Every step can be a step forward - we just have to keep moving.
I’m so grateful for every one of you who helped our family to keep moving. Life is nothing more and nothing less than how we show up for each other. I love you all.
Onward.
PS - See that mountain goat in the background? I’m a damn mountain goat. And so are you.