This guy. This guy figured out how to get us to Kauai for a week before I start treatments on Tuesday. I love him for so many reasons. But especially for knowing that this was exactly what we both needed.
We first came to Kauai on our honeymoon almost 17 years ago. It was another 13 years before we would return but then we’ve been back almost every year since. And every time we come, we spend time before we come home trying to figure out how to move here.
The air smells different here. I breathe more slowly and more deeply here. There is restorative power in listening to the crashing waves and the zebra doves’ call, one of my favorite sounds ever. Even the rain here feels different.
And so it has been all week. I’ve woken up early every day and sat on the beach. I listened to my friend Christina’s beautiful healing light meditation where I could hear the waves too. And I took a few selfies from my meditation spot. (I’ve been taking more selfies recently, even when I don’t look Instagram-ready. Not 100% sure why - maybe to document the transformation?)
We’ve had a largely unstructured week and I honestly can’t remember the last time that happened. We dodged roosters and smelled the air and soaked in the lush vegetation and ate the best shave ice on the island and yes, of course, we went to Angeline’s*. It rained every day we were here and we only got short bursts of sun until our last day and We. Didn’t. Care.
I heard right before we left that each of the Hawaiian islands are associated with one of the chakras, and that Kauai is associated with the Third Eye Chakra, representing vision and intuition. Couldn’t have been more perfect for this trip. Every morning on the beach, I tried to get in touch with my own intuition. To me, it feels like a process of learning to trust myself.
I am so so grateful. Because here we are more than 20 years later (more than half of our lifetimes together) and I still can’t think of anything I’d rather do than spend a whole week of unstructured time with just the two of us. Because my mom is an angel and stayed with the girls to make it happen.
Because when we got to the airport, I realized that I had my passport in my backpack but had forgotten my purse - wallet, phone, everything else - at home. After shedding a few tears in the TSA line, I fought back against the gremlin voice chanting “This is more loss of control! This is more loss of control!” And I decided that I would be fine without them. Sean and I shared his phone for a whole week and figured out how to stay married. So yes, I’m grateful even for leaving my purse behind.
Chemo treatment begins on Tuesday. I’m feeling ready to get this started. Feeling ready to start healing. And this is how I’m thinking of it - healing rather than fighting. As the doctors have said, I’m going for 100% cure. But all the metaphors for fighting just don’t sit quite right for me right now. Partly because I’m already appreciating the lessons I’m learning. Partly because I still don’t feel much like a warrior. But I do feel strong. And I believe that there is strength in vulnerability and in healing. So, that’s what we’re going for.
Until next time, Kauai. Mahalo nui loa.
* If you’ve ever talked about Kauai in any conversation within a ten mile radius of me, you have no doubt heard about Auntie Angeline’s. If you’ve even had a thought about Kauai, I probably sensed it and told you about Angeline’s anyway. We first went on our honeymoon trip - it was a wedding gift and it was such a transcendent experience, I haven’t shut up about it since. So, for the (probably) last two people on the planet I’ve haven’t already told, here’s the deal: There’s only one treatment and they only take cash. It’s in the most picturesque setting - out the back of their home. You begin in the steam hut, which you sit in for as long as you can handle. Then you have a head-to-toe sea salt scrub. And then, (THEN!) you have a four hands Lomi Lomi massage. Yes, that’s two people massaging you at once. They sing Hawaiian songs and chants over you while they’re working and you can hear the breezes through the open windows. I’m telling you - it’s heaven. HEAVEN. So anyway, if you go to Kauai, it’s a must. (Oh, also fair warning that there’s usually some nudity amongst strangers, but you know, when in Rome.)
**Also, I would like some recognition for the amount of restraint I’ve shown by putting all of this as a post script at the end of this blog post rather than making the entire post about Angeline’s, which is my norm. I really meant it when I said I couldn’t shut up about it. Anyway, it’s called personal growth.
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